Something There That Wasn't There Before [Inner Monologue]

As you know, I am an international student studying in London.
I've been to London 3 time before entering university: when I was still in elementary school, holiday after graduating middle school and then last year for my foundation programme.

Surely I have had experienced culture shock that mellowed with time. My most memorable culture shock was seeing couples kissing in public, it was a strange thing for me... and embarrassing. Then I was shocked by how there's no bidet in the toilet and how people could just flush white tissue paper into the toilet. It was mind-boggling for me there at that time, and it still is when I came back here after a holiday back home to Indonesia.

One thing that seemed to suddenly came to light for me ever since I went abroad to study was how often the word equality/racism seem to came up. Sure there are lots of people from many background here in London and hey, I might have thought racist thoughts when I first saw people I don't know because I've never seen these people before, where are they from, how come they're here? I don't even know how you can even stop someone from being racist because I thought that's what their perspectives are in their whole life. It's a very strange and scary thing to realise that what you've known your whole life is something that is actually socially unacceptable.

Gender equality, equality in general, I am still trying to wrap my thoughts around this because nobody had never explained it to me thoroughly which is why I still have blanks in my head concerning this issue. I've come to realise about this from the posts on Tumblr, about the Ferguson and other police killings. It's scary, it's like you've suddenly realised that the places that you think gives other people freedom to express themselves are actually... not that free.

I've heard people calling names to each other (I am chinese in heritage so back home there might be Indonesian people who would call names to us, it often happens and it's very disheartening and devastating).

I'm just so confused. I don't even know if I said it right in this post, everything in confusing because there's no end to it. I'm sure making people realise that this is wrong helps, but what will happen to those who think that what we thought is wrong and opposes (on gender equality, for instance)?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? That's my biggest question.

One (quite) isolated girl who just turned 20, who is trying to grasp the concept of whatever is happening.

... I'm ranting here, don't mind me my head hurts